Lies My Parents Told Me and A Few Truths, Too.

Your face will freeze.
Keep a $20 in your bra.
It's never too early to make ready for Shabbos.
For this, I stuck my hand in the toilet?
A little knuckle blood improves the flavor.
If you don't wash your ears, potatoes will sprout in there.
Never wear white pants, unless you're late and want to bring it on.
Do what you want today, you could be dead tomorrow.
Do what you want today and you could be dead tonight.
Give the other guy the right of way.
Ask me later, I'm busy.
I stood up for you and said yes, you were fit to live with the pigs.
Carry an extra pair of underwear in case you end up in the hospital.
Go ahead, I already have a foot in the grave.
You want to do what?!?!?
[silence]

All these homilies and the loudest is the silence.