Sugarloaf

You convinced me
I could climb, I could summit
If I wanted to, if I was willing
to learn, to dedicate myself
to push though the distractions

 Now the distraction is
your ring on a cord
an amulet nestled between my breasts
I struggle with what was easy
when I was younger, naïve
and you were my carrot

It is lonely at the top
that was philosophic murmur
My lonely is me, alone,
talking to your ghost
railing at your ghost
You don’t answer

Sunrise fog blurs the winding trail
You shimmer, the long ago you
merging with the you I drafted
a school girl entranced by a tenured professor
merging with the you I married
merging with the you of ash
in a box in our bedroom

I stand at the base of the mountain
Gazing up and up and up
We left our names, painted on a fence
at the water stop
If it is there, the names are faded

I am here, I am faded
I hear the echo of
Amazing Grace
drifting down
to wrap around me
to walk beside me
to whisper hineni
as I trudge up the slope

Beer Coffee Water Saline

It all tastes off
not right
not smooth
not as remembered
bitter gritty
acid sour spoilt
IPAs, glory of hoppy sharps
mouthfeel of rusty spikes
soothed by
milk stout thick sweetness
a curdled stinking mug of last month

Coffee is mud sluice over ancient cobbles
Water the perfect neutral, pH 7
foams like baking soda and vinegar
childhood science Vesuvius
in the mouth

All that is left is a saline drip
Bypassing the mouth, the taste buds
laced with morphine
And
It
Is
Closing Time!
Last Call!

There is no after-hours club
Cocaine and Xanax in every candy dish
Jack and Jim and Jerry, vying for attention
entranced by the steady hum of
milliliter per second
Waiting for cold toast with margarine
served by Perky Smile
with a side order of
endless repeats of
forgotten game shows