Sugarloaf

You convinced me
I could climb, I could summit
If I wanted to, if I was willing
to learn, to dedicate myself
to push though the distractions

 Now the distraction is
your ring on a cord
an amulet nestled between my breasts
I struggle with what was easy
when I was younger, naïve
and you were my carrot

It is lonely at the top
that was philosophic murmur
My lonely is me, alone,
talking to your ghost
railing at your ghost
You don’t answer

Sunrise fog blurs the winding trail
You shimmer, the long ago you
merging with the you I drafted
a school girl entranced by a tenured professor
merging with the you I married
merging with the you of ash
in a box in our bedroom

I stand at the base of the mountain
Gazing up and up and up
We left our names, painted on a fence
at the water stop
If it is there, the names are faded

I am here, I am faded
I hear the echo of
Amazing Grace
drifting down
to wrap around me
to walk beside me
to whisper hineni
as I trudge up the slope