What is Real?

We studied connections
Thoughts versus the actions
Intent versus disconnect
Encouragement to go through the motions
“Fake it until you make it” motions
which might work in golf
or bread baking or painting
or deposition creation
Because hey! Going through the motions
practice leading to some kind of
sad almost perfection
some shift in perspective
alteration in perception
might yield real
or not

“What is real?” I ask, in my velveteen suit
standing outside, looking through the dirty,
streaked window, hazy with memories
wondering if I stop going through the motions
Will I be real then?

I can build a tower of indecision
walk never-ending cladograms
look forward and back
not knowing which is which
because it is all smoke and alcohol drenched days
and nights in the bar at the corner of
Whenever and Nowhere

I have a running tab
I can’t pay so I can’t leave

I smile, they tell me to smile
Women are supposed to smile
even when the dragon you shoved under my ribs
wakes up
gnaws on my lungs

I smile, I apply fresh lipstick
mascara
rouge
find another junction
another maybe
crawl because the dragon is sucking out my nerves
so I have no muscle command
only brainstem medulla responses

But I smile
and tell lies

-I’m fine-

-its all good-

-Thank you-

And sip my wine
balancing on high heels
pretending

-Really, I’m fine-

No one knows

-A-okay here-

I am waiting

-Yes, indeed-

To pull the cord and the blade fall

Chop

I won’t have to go through motions
any more