Thursday, December 13, 2007

The Misadventures of the Shoes: Take Us Home!

We are so tired of sitting here. We want to go home. No. We want a home. We want someone to take us home, any someone. As long as that any someone is beautiful and will take us the places we deserve to go, take us miles and miles away floating over this laundromat...

Oops. Wrong commercial. Can you imagine US in a laundromat? Inane! Insane! Impossible!

So who will take us places, take us out to dinner, to shows, to museums, out dancing-

OMG! Out dancing. We must pick someone who will take us out dancing. Oui! Certainement! Absolument! Sans doute! That is more important than anything else we will do because dancing will lead to... Oh yes, we must go dancing! Swing is good, that’s fun, the waltz, measured and stately, the tango. We were made to do the tango. One two three, dip, one two three, spin, one two three, fuck, one two three. Not hip-hop. Could you imagine US doing hip-hop? That has got to be the most ludicrous image in the world. Hip-hop is for sneakers, not for shoes. And never ever for shoes such as the pair of us.

One two three, fuck. Yesss. We want to fuck. All else is commentary, a prelude, foreplay to that. Look at us. Don’t you want to fuck us? We are so sleek, so shapely. Look at ou tiny waist, the flare of our instep, our vamp, our long sculpted heel. Look at our zipper. Zzzip! The sound it makes putting us on and off, snug around a shapely ankle, bend over to zip us on, adjust our straps around that ankle. Now throw us up in the air to fix the last strap, way up in the air. Oh my, we are so far apart and what is happening at the other end of the leg from us?

That is why you must take us home. So we can take you dancing, find you a pair of black patent wingtips to rub up against us and then he can explore the rest of you while we lie in the closet with our heels snug inside those wingtips which held his foot just as he is snug inside you, enjoy you, please you.

Oh yes, we must find someone to take us home so we can have a good time. Oh yes.

Her. Look at her. Why, she’s been crying. She drips tears, she leaves a trail of tears. What? She will fight no more forever? What does THAT mean? Of course she will fight. That is why she is here. To fight dirty. Here, lovely lady. We will be your weapon of mass destruction. We will give you unfair advantage in this war you fight. Hineni, lovely lady! Hineni! Come on, you see us. Yes, you do, don’t deny it.

Mmm hmm. You hear our siren song. We will seduce you, we will lead you down the islet that stretches between the Scylla and Charybdis. Pick us up. We will make it better, we will stop the crying for a while if you let us help you, if you take us home. We will make it go away. We will, just look at us. Imagine us.

Hello there, beautiful. You are, you know. So beautiful. Oh lovely lady, living well is the best revenge, you know that. He’ll like us, too, like how we make your legs look, your whole body will be enhanced. He will see you in these and he’ll want to grab us and kiss us, throw you back on the bed, fling us over your head and oh my!. He will bite your ankle, lick your calf, suck on that tender part on the inside of your knee while his hands touch us, his fingers find places to slide into, stroke the arch of your foot next to us, snug into the ankle strap, slide into and and and. Goodbye right foot! Goodbye left foot! I can barely see you so far away!

What will he do when he sees you in us, lovely lady? What won’t he do when he sees you in us? Just think of it. You can feel it, lovely lady, yes you can. You like it. You want to see him on his knees admiring us, admiring you wearing us.

And if not him, we’ll help you find someone new to make you feel beautiful and desired and sleek and sexy. We will make you stand out from the rest of the cattle, we are the only one of us in this world and you are the only one of you.

Yes, lovely lady, yes.

"Visa or Mastercard?"

"American Express."

"Sign here, please. Enjoy them. They are stunning."

"Oh I will. I most definitely will."


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