Tuesday, July 3, 2007

The Garden of Earthly Delights

Visions. God gives visions. Man does not have them, formulate them. That is hubris, wrong. Do I have hubris? Damn straight I do. But do I have visions? Dare I to dream, at this point when so much is already crushed? Every step feels so wrong. Every path is kudzu around my ankles, a bramble at my throat, thorns putting out my eyes.
I am Rapunzel, my hair cut off. I fall from the tower of destruction into the rose bushes. No, no, no. It was the prince who fell in his attempt to rescue her. If I fall into the bushes, then I am.....? She was already cast out, homeless, destitute, lost. The poor deluded prince so loved her he risked life, limb, fortune, reputation for her. Lost injured souls, traveling many highways until they were reunited and her tears restored his sight.
So who am I? The lost princess, helpless, awaiting her savior? The heartbroken, blind prince seeking his beloved? I am both, I must be both, together. I will save myself when I am whole. I will only be whole when I have the courage to be saved.
My dream? I just want to be me. I want to know who I am. I want the blinders off, the ear stoppers out and the ice to melt. I want to feel.
I do not remember how to feel.
I have always had a way of working around an assignment. Change it to suit myself, manipulate it, sculpt it. Rule breaker? No, rule bender, I stop before the snap point.
You wonder what my hopes, aspirations are, what I want. To feel. Then, maybe, just maybe instead of being an observer, writing what others feel, perhaps I’ll be able to write myself.
You tell me I am the cowardly lion. That I am afraid to take a chance or step outside my self-created boxes. You tell me I am the scarecrow seeking wisdom, so stupid about the simplest rules of human existence. But I, if I were asked, would say: I am the tin man, without a heart. Without a heart, what good is wisdom? Knowledge is a book in a foreign language without love to translate it. Without a heart, how can you have courage? There must be passion for nothing is worth defending or fighting for without love.
I am an empty shell, afraid I will remain an empty shell. Forever.

1 comment:

Rich said...

Very impressive....I'm gonna check out the rest of your "site" in a minute....

xoxox R